Moments: Never Again
by Su Freund
Summary: Jack's thoughts when he confronts his duplicate in Cold Lazarus. Episode tag, PoV. Use of mild language.


Title: Moments Series – Never Again

Author: Su Freund

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Category: PoV, Episode Tag

Content Warnings: Use of mild language

Pairings: Jack and Sara

Season: One

Spoilers: Cold Lazarus

Rating: PG

Summary: Jack's thoughts when he confronts his duplicate

Sequel/Series Info: Drabble series of POVs based on a moment from an episode – now called The Moments Series.

Status: Complete

Disclaimer: Not mine and sadly never will be. No copyright infringement is intended. Copyright © 2004 Su Freund

Archive: My site, Jack and Sam's Pad, Jackfic, SJD

Author's Note: Called a drabble because each individual paragraph is 100 words long. This series is not necessarily written or appearing in episode order so does not follow a particular sequence - except my whim in writing them.

**Moments Series – Never Again **

This is spooky. That's me! Crap, this double's gonna kill us all. Great, Jack; set out to save freakin' humanity and end up killing a large chunk of it! Sooo not a good thing. It's like looking in the mirror, but not. This double was with Sara. What happened? What's she thinking now? Did they talk? Did he? If so, he did a better job than me. So weird seeing Sara. Thank God she's okay. I still love her and probably always will. Not sure I'm in love with her anymore, but I love her. I killed us stone dead.

Jeeze, that was bad, the worst time of my life. Torture in an Iraqi hellhole is preferable to going through that again. Killed Charlie, killed Sara and me. Does this double know, or understand? Does he know my thoughts and feelings? God I hope not because no one deserves to see inside my screwy head. It can be bleak in here; dark, oppressive and lonely. Unthinkable, unutterable hell! Even I don't wanna be in here! Way to go Jack! You can't help cracking a joke even inside your own damned head? Problem is, I can't even face myself – too yellow!

It can be hard enough to face me in the mirror, and now I'm confronted by a living double of me. Sooo not good. He thinks I want to destroy him? No! Not if I can help it. Yeah, I'm a killer, but not that cold blooded. Doesn't he know that? He should. His whole freakin' race was destroyed by those mothering Go'auld; why would I want to harm them? They're on our side. If I can only get you back through the gate, eliminate the threat to Earth, I'll be happy with that, believe me. I won't hurt you.

Charlie? Oh my God! It's not really him, Jack, don't let him fool ya. But… Crap! I miss him so much, it warms me to see him but… Is this my chance to say goodbye? I never got that; needed it, both Sara and I did, but never got it. I loved him so much I can't begin to describe those feelings. How do you say goodbye to someone you love? How do you live with the death of your son, your soul, your whole life? You just have to do it. Christ, that touch! My Charlie… man, this hurts!

Don't like my team seeing this; too exposed. Control yourself Jack; keep those emotions in check! Keep the crying for private, not here, not now, not in front of them. They shouldn't know you can be a wreck sometimes, Jack; they don't need to know that. Wonder what they're thinkin'. Daniel knows; more than anyone. Teal'c hides so much behind his mask, but we're brothers at heart; we'll be okay. Carter? She's probably fascinated by the whole alien entity, duplication, radiation scenario. Does she wonder about Sara? About Charlie? Our Charlie… Sara… How am I gonna explain this to her?

Damn, this is hard. He's taking my hand! I love you son, I'm so sorry for what I did. Unforgivable. You should still be here, playing baseball and enjoying your toys and friends. You should grow up, go to college, meet girls and have a good time. You should get married and give me grand kids to dote on in my old age. Your mother should be smiling, happy, overjoyed to see you come home from school each day, helping with your homework, forcing you to clean up after yourself. Normality left along with you. Now I dream of it.

Her face as she sees Charlie, disbelief, sorrow. I don't want to do this to you Sara, you deserve better. You deserve the real him to light your life. You were always too good for me and I proved it in the worst way possible. Please don't cry! It feels great to hold you in my arms again, Sara. Do you still feel anything for me? Do you think about us, yearn for us? I do sometimes, but its too late now. I killed it when I killed him. There's no going back. Never again. I was happy, but now?

I love my job, my team. That makes me happy, in my own way. Not the same as when I was with you and Charlie but, one day, I might save this planet we love so much. That would be cool! I could be a hero, but you will never know it. I always was a hero to you, even though I couldn't tell you what I did. It felt good to be a hero in your eyes, to have your love and devotion. That look in your eye when I came home always made my heart race. Thud, thump!

Sure, love my job, my team, but I miss being loved. I could so do with being loved. Comfort, warmth, companionship, regular sex. Go figure! I'm a red blooded male, right? I'll even take the odd argument. They're worth it because making up afterwards is the sweetest thing. Remember that Sara? Sparkage followed by more sparkage. Nice! Do you miss it too? I know you miss him, as I do, I can see it in your eyes, feel it in your sobbing. I have to go now, take him home. So sorry. You're right, Sara, we really were the greatest

End


End file.
